self discovery & initiation of the sacred clown

We moved and just a week later I left, on my 35th birthday, for a spontaneous trip to burning man. My first trip. It was amazing to say the least. I've been in a tailspin since, mostly because of a connection I experienced with a person in the couple of days immediately following. This person triggered, or perhaps more accurately said, symbolizes something deep within me that is in the long process of being healed, my relationship to the masculine. Through this experience I am understanding how both the masculine and the feminine within me (and without) need to be healed, as does their relationship to one another.

Despite the temporal bliss of burning man, the experience after induced intense suffering, the blessed heartache that brings you to your knees and makes you long for only truth, only source.

Of course, what else could follow but intense soul searching, which I've been in the process of for about a month. In attempt to heal and regain composure I've practiced many private ceremonies of release and surrender and called upon every tool and trick I've learned over the past decade of shamanic/spiritual study. Everywhere I turn I've been receiving the message to search my heart for its truest desires and to follow them, but the usual easy-access to my heart has been clouded. It seems for weeks I've proceeded with limited clarity, frustration and a vague sense that with patience all is coming.

In one of my mini-ceremonies I revisited a visualization that I was first taught over a year ago. I was guided to imagine a throne in the heart, in this throne sits an inner shaman, you, in your essence, fully evolved & empowered. I examined how she (the future me) looked, felt and presented herself. I will spare the details save one peculiarity, her eyes are painted like those of a clown, with a line above and below the center of each eye. I remembered being surprised by that the first time I experienced the visualization, and once again wondered at its meaning.

I find myself engaged in multiple initiations at once. I am entering what the Micheal System refers to as the 4th internal monad. This is the time, usually beginning between 35 and 36, of leaving childhood behind to fully enter into adulthood, a time when one may fully embody and align personality with essence. My partner and I are also intending to start a family, I am leaving maidenhood behind to become the mother. Simultaneously, I'm starting to feel that perhaps I am... and this is a most odd confession... entering the initiation of the sacred clown.

Online searches for sacred clown have been incredibly inspiring. I was encouraged to discover that there are teachers out there, and their work brings me to tears. I also ran across the following essay, which leads me to more seriously consider embracing clown medicine as my own (it describes me well):

(from http://dreamflesh.com/essays/clownpath/)
"...It’s a little more difficult to spot a young clown than it is to spot a young warrior. Those who describe a child as being "too sensitive" need to be aware that the little one may be a Sacred Clown in the making. The child may be shy, or she may be a temperamental show-off, sometimes both in different situations. In any case, a young clown is an explorer in the world of emotions. She tests the limits of her feelings as surely as a young warrior tests the limits of her will...

The initiation for a Sacred Clown happens as she realizes that even people who love each other can be cruel to each other, or that Life itself can be cruel. Her own intense reaction to a personal experience of abandonment, betrayal of trust, or shattered romance may result in extreme depression, emotional imbalance, a nervous breakdown, or (in extreme cases) a suicide attempt... If she can somehow find her emotional equilibrium, somehow go THROUGH the pain and come out on the other side, learn to dance on the knife edge of her own Soul, the experience becomes a gateway THROUGH the illusions of life and into the truth of life.

What is truth? This question propels the Clown into the sacred dimension. The Truth the Clown intuits is the interconnectedness of all life. She KNOWS (although she cannot prove) that no part is more important than any other part—no matter how big or how small—and that the tiniest change in one part produces a profound change in the Whole. She SEES (although she cannot explain) that imbalance or blockage of the Life Force is the result of a person or group believing themselves to be more important than another. And she can’t help puncturing that over-blown self-importance with her sharp humor!

A Clown becomes Sacred by opening herself. Like a child, she is vulnerable, fluid, and open to the Life Force. Unlike a child, however, she has learned to shield herself and move safely through an insane world by using masks, disguises, tricks and transformations. In a sane world, she might risk a bit more exposure.

Native Americans say that Sacred Clowns are great lovers of children, healing them and protecting them. In addition, one of their powers is to bring fertility to barren people and situations. If the Sacred Warrior personifies the Sun, the Sacred Clown personifies the Void—that great black openness of space, the great Womb from which we all are born...

The power of the Void is the power of wombness in us all, the power of true creativity. The power of being open is sometimes regarded as a weakness, but the Sacred Clown gives us this paradox: The weakest can be the most powerful. The dumbest can be the most wise. "In a clown’s craziness, she can be obscene or test any of the existing structures and ideas to see if they are true and real—and she gets away with it. She herself is weak, but her very weakness is her power."

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I also ran across this poem at www.sacred-clown-as-healer.co.uk
In Simplicity and Presence the Fool
takes us directly to the heart.
With Playful Wisdom, she guides us
through the noisy clutter of too much thinking
to the child of eternity,
secretly hiding at the core of our being...

Interestingly, the post-burning man exchange, which had me feeling like an utter fool to the Nth degree, prompted inner work to release my childish patterns and embrace the responsibility of adulthood in a most final and complete way. Ironically, it seems that my process is guiding me to return to the innocence of a child and embrace the wisdom of the fool. Also interesting that for the first time I just read, "To make simple sense of this (4th internal) Monad, it is the “regaining of innocence”. It occurs to me that my fourth internal monad has only just begun... yikes! I'm in for a wild ride, bless me!

As a final note, at Burning Man the raw truth, societal reflection, beauty, physical mastery and goddess expressed through accomplished belly dancers blew my mind, opened my heart and also brought me to tears. (I was given guidance in ceremony over four years ago to explore belly dancing, which was hilarious because belly dancers used to annoy me severely.) Perhaps these forms of expression that move me so intensely are the illusive whispers of my hearts desire? Perhaps they are the methods/skills I am being called to learn and serve by, and through which I will be both healer and healed. Given the fact that I have zero experience with performance, and a severe case of stage fright, maybe they're just metaphors for the sacred play of the masculine and feminine that need to be healed with both wisdom and innocence.

One thing is very clear to me, I feel moved to become more embodied. I've got my work cut out for me.